Late night lovin’

Video chat production meeting

Video chat production meeting

Just had an awesome production meeting with Niknaz and Aghigh for Aghigh’s film project via video chat.

It inevitably ended up being a long reflection on what’s been happening in Iran this past week. These two are brilliant.

I’m feeling a lot of love.

I love talking with them.

I love that we have the technology to do this.

I love that I’m working on this film with two other Iranian-Americans who feel similarly estranged from other Iranians for being our artist selves. Through our artistic process we’re building community and contradicting that isolation.

I love when something can be educational, political and theraputic and healing all at once.

I love when, even just for a moment, like right now, I not just accept but am proud and confident of my “artist self.”

la la la.

I think this is what people mean when they ask, “What makes your heart sing?”

Name my newest boxing partner.

Today I want to write about failure.

Not about failblog.org, though I do recommend it for a good laugh.

Not about the failure of the Islamic Republic of Iran or #cnnfail and the inspiring use of social networking tools to communicate when major media conglomerates like CNN don’t step up. (There’s so many amazing bloggers out there already doing a great job writing about this.)

Nope. Instead I’ll continue with some naval-gazing self-reflection on failure.

But not without continually remembering how grateful and privileged I am to be living in the US, a country whose political stability depends on the instability of others. My parents decision to go on vacation in 1979, literally in the weeks before the last revolution in Iran started, allows me to sit around and muse about art and personal feelings in a way that my peers who are dieing in the streets of the city of my birth cannot.

Boxing Matches

Part of the reason I haven’t posted a blog entry in so long is because I’ve been busy in an international heavy-weight championship boxing match against the eternal champion team failure.

What’s that boxing match look like?

Not eating well even though I have a full fridge of beautiful locally grown organic vegetables from my CSA share.

Creating drama this past week and trying my hardest to convince some of my closest friends and my newish manfriend that they don’t care about me.

It was ugly.

And even though the match is over, I’m still nursing bruises with salve and walking a little funny.

Jenny Any

It’s embarassing to admit, but even though I’m this smarty arty bad ass brown girl, there’s a part of me that wishes I was some blonde white girl named Jennifer married to some dude, and working a professional job.

I think a lot of us have that inside us somewhere.

I usually keep my Jenny Anykind (that what we used to call all the Jennifers in high school, when I was an angsty Winona Ryder in “Heathers” wanna be) on a very short leash. She might make an annoying yip every once and while, but mostly she has little control over me.

So it was really confusing when I woke up from a concussion mid-boxing match with this other monster creature on her team.

“You are a financial failure and you are about to make it worse by quitting your job during a recession. Rawr” Punch.

You are unable to focus. You are lazy and selfish. While everyone else in your family works hard you try to be an artist. Grr.” Kick to the chest.

What’s your name?

I don’t know how to label this particular stream of sense of failure. I know it has something to do with class and expectations.

Most of the running dialogue in my head that’s had me so down has been around this issue of failing to be willing to lead a “professional” and “financially successful” life.

Most of that comes from being from a well-education middle class (upper-middle class?) family where everyone is an engineer, doctor, computer programmer or business man.

But the “distorted class expectations creature” isn’t that catchy, and doesn’t really work for me as a mental visualization like Jenny Anykind did.

Any ideas?

Control!

The other day my friend was saying how great it would be if life was like a Janet Jackson video from the early 90s, where people would suddenly bust out into fresh dance moves.

On Saturday night,  while I was hauling thousands of dollars worth of projection equipment from my dead car to my friends’ who happened to be at the bar accross the street car, I really wished I was in an early Janet video.

What happened instead of a Janet Jackson video.

I spent all last week obsessing about the process of forgiving myself for lower attendance at Saturday’s screening since I had an intense month at work and didn’t have as much time to do publicity (and since everyone and their cousin had an event on Saturday).

I felt so proud that I had done all the emotional work to figure that out.

And, I felt good that I reached my forgiveness goal of at least 20 people (there were 25).

I thought I had emotionally conquered. I was in total control.

We loaded up the car, I sent the volunteers off.  And then, the unanticipated: my car didn’t start.

All sorts of things happened after that that I never could have anticipated.

Things I was emotionally unprepared for.

  1. I realized that I didn’t know if I had roadside assistance service because my ex was supposed to purchase it for me. I called the ex and demanded the information, while they were doing who knows what–giving a toast–at their previous’ ex’s graduation party. (Hard to follow, I know). Turns out I didn’t have coverage.Then I called my sweetie, and my bestie, and no one answered. Panic. One of my closest friends who I’ve known since 5th grade and her sweetie happened to walk by at that exact moment on their way to the restaurant and I chose not to call out to them because I don’t know how to ask for help I was busy figuring out a solution on my own so I could curb my meltdown.
  2. I discovered a group of friends who usually help at the screening but didnt’ this time all chilling together at a bar across the street. I immeadiatly launched into an intense delusion that they didn’t care about me or support me, and that quitting my job was a bad decision because if my own friends didn’t believe in me why should anyone else?Warp speed defeating stories pulsed through my mind. I pushed back tears, took their keys, denied their several offers of help, and borrowed their car to shuttle equipment home.I quickly recognized that I was DELUSIONAL, that my story of heartbreak was unjustified and I was taking everything too personally. But even though I recognized it, it took more than a day to finally come back to being totally present. It was exhausting fighting off those stories.
  3. As I was shuttling equipment back and forth between cars (my car was dead on Germantown Ave where I couldn’t pull another car up next to it, so I had to walk all the equipment) and walked back to my car, the one person in Philadelphia who I have not been on speaking terms with for several years happened to be standing right next to my car talking to someone.It hasn’t been for a lack of love. And, it wasn’t a permanent cut off. I had told the person that they needed to work on something and if they felt they had they could contact me again. And they never did.I decided to say hello because it was just too absurd that they were right there. They were as shocked as I was. They asked how I was doing and I replied “Pretty shitty at the moment, actually.” That was the end of the conversation.It ended well though because they left me a note on my dashboard and I decided it’s about time to talk.
  4. Another friend I know–though not that well yet–happened to be at a table at the bar next to the car friends. At just the right moment after I was done shuttling she texted to ask if I had Triple AAA.She and her friend who I only met once for 2 seconds stayed with me past midnight through a false start jump and harassment by a super drunk guy while we waited for AAA to come bring me a new battery. They were amazing. I am so grateful for their laughter and company and patience and help. They were miraculous.But seriously, next time I can’t wait for the person I know least well to miraculously offer. I literally had several close friends within 30 seconds of me, a bestie and and a sweetie calling and texting, and I couldn’t ask any of them for help.

Muslims, Fireworks, Doctors and Money.

This is what’s been on my mind this week: Muslims, fireworks, doctors and money.

My address to the Christian World.

Obama made his speech in Cairo. And while I’m one of many people who are very excited about the potential shifts in foriegn policy that may happen over the next few years, I just want to make one point.

The use of the term “Muslim World” is highly problematic. Most statistics show than less than about 10% of the world’s Muslim population is Arab. Who are the rest? Oh you know that continent full of people, Africa, that no one in the west seems to care about. And maybe you’ve heard of this place called Indonesia? Yes, he acknowledges some of those countries in his speech, but still goes on to perpetuate the orientalist notion of tensions based solely on relgion.

Let’s be honest, who is he REALLY talking to? (Hint, our good friend Ahmadinejad is on the list.)

So I’ve decided from here on out to address all my communications to Americans as a message to the “Christian World.”

We finally got invited to the cool kids’ party!

Speaking of Ahmadinejad and the Iranian government, guess who got invited to the White House’s Fourth of July party?

Maz Jobrani or Robert Karimi if you’re out there reading this, you really need to write material about this. Or maybe I need to become a comedic performer myself. Are there any Iranian American female comedians yet? Well I just googled and found one, Negin Farsad.

Back alleys.

When I was 19 I took an extended leave from college (at the time I called it quitting) and moved back to the small southern town I grew up in. I was hired as the office manager at a women’s health clinic. Well, lets say office manager-walk in pregnancy test administrator-decision making counselor. Among other things.

When I heard the chilling news about Dr. George Tiller’s murder in broad daylight I thought back to my time there (the clinic ended up closing for financial reasons after I worked there for two years, after more than 25 years of providing sliding scale health services).

The clinic was the only in the state, and one of the few in the surrounding five states that provided second term pregnancy terminations.

We used to have to prep all our patients, and then have them all sit and patiently wait for the doctor to arrive and do all the procedures back to back then quickly leave and let the nurses follow up with the rest. Our doctor had another prominent role in the town that I don’t want to mention here in case he wishes to still be anonymous. So we would call him when all the women were ready and then he had to come and sneak through the back and administer the procedures.

To this day I still have such admiration for that doctor for literally risking his life to do something totally legal.

The last temptation.

After so confidently declaring I was going to risk it all and devote myself to starting my small business, I was tempted this week. I had applied for a film teaching position at a career and technology center. I was called in for an interview. Once I went through the interview it was clear that the job was way more of a committment than I had anticipated.

A well paying one with great benefits.

Though also a significant commute away (60 miles) for someone like me who hates to drive.

My interview went fabulous. I was selected as one of three final candidates. I agonized the rest of the week.

Scarcity vs. dreamer battled it out something like this.

Scarcity: It’s a severe recession. People would kill for a well paying an exciting opportunity like this one, even with the hour long commute. Take the job.

Dreamer: But it’s not what I said I was going to do. I was committed to launching the screening series and doing other things on the side to make ends meet until it all came together.

Scarcity: Those are just crazy dreams. Sure, we’d all love to be happy. But working sucks. It’s the price you pay for your play time the rest of the time. Your crazy dreams are why you were underemployed all through your 20s, why you only have $300 to retire on right now. Don’t make the same mistakes again in your 30s.

You get the idea. In the end, the dreamer won.

Here’s the clarity I finally came to (after hours of talking friends’ ears off): Not taking an “established job” because I have a specific plan (now) is very diferent than just not wanting a “normal” life and avoiding a 9-5 job (my 20s).

So I declined the job today, and instead I called the local bank in my neighborhood and made an appointment to go talk about a business loan.